Salesman: Would u like to buy a pocket calculator sir. 
Old man: No thanks, I know exactly how many pockets I have!

A good friend is like a computer I 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

 

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. 

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 

"What?" said the puzzled groom. 

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?" 

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. 

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. 

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. 

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. 

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. 

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. 

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. 

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. 

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" 

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?" 

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" 

The story is told of a day when Queen Elizabeth had the Duke Of Edenbourgh over for a cup of tea. The conversation turned equestrian and the Queen was telling the Duke about her new prize horse.
After a spell of ranting and raving over this horse the Duke said, "Well, then, let's see this fine animal!"
So the Queen and the Duke went over to the stables to admire the horse.
At one point the Queen walked around the horse, just as it let out an earth trembling belch, with a smell that....
The Queen turned a bit red and said, "Oh, I am terribly sorry about that!"
"Oh, that's quite alright," the Duke replied, "I had thought it was the horse!

Married Life...

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you."

"I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

Men, Oh Men

1) Men are like -- Mini Skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

2) Men are like -- Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3) Men are like -- Department stores.
Their clothes should always be half off.  


4) Men are like -- Vacations.
They never seem to be long enough.

5) Men are like --Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

6) Men are like -- Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

7) Men are like-- Chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

8) Men are like -- Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

9) Men are like -- Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

10) Men are like -- Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

11) Men are like--Laxatives.
They irritate the sh*t out of you.

12) Men are like -- Parking spots.
The good ones are already taken and what's left is handicapped.

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check up on his wife. A few days later, the detective returned, complete with a video.

There on the screen, he saw his wife with another man! The two of them laughed in the park, enjoyed a meal at an outdoor café, danced in a nightclub, totally engrossed in each other.

"I can't believe it!" the distraught husband said. The detective replied, "What's not to believe? It's all right there on the screen!"

The husband said, "Who knew my wife was so much fun?!"

Greatest Strength

A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, "Tell me what is your greatest strength?"

The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?"  


The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff."

The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife."

The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.

So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question, "Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?"

The guy felt encouraged, and went on, "Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife."